So as I was leaving my much needed mani/pedi I was checking out my new color choice (OPI's We'll Always Have Paris) and noticed the scab on my toe is turning into a purplish scar. Every time I look at this pesky little boo boo I think of my beloved friend "Mr. P." I'll keep his name anonymous because the poor guy felt so guilty about how this happened. It really wasn't anyone's fault, just a little snafu while we were building my IKEA wardrobe. Then I got to thinking this budding scar sorta looks like the one on my pinky, which came from Curtis accidently bumping me while we were walking out of the movie and I tripped and my hand hit the corner of this movie poster and it started bleeding.
Great, I thought to myself as I walked toward Grand Central. Not only are guys leaving emotionally scars on me, they're leaving physical scars on me as well.
Which leads me into the main focus of this post. Today I had a lot on my mind, and a lot of time to think. I found myself frequently drifting off in thought while at work.
Let me preface this by saying, there is nothing dramatic happening in my dating life. That being said, dating is hard. Relationships are hard.
But just how hard is normal?
This is sort of a rhetorical question, but not necessarily. If anyone feels comfortable leaving a comment (this is directed towards happily married couples) I would actually really love it, even if it's anonymously. (Or emailed to me at raehope1@gmail.com)
I mean, my google reader subscribes to a lot of blogs, and I would say more of these blogs belong to married people, versus single. Please please don't get me wrong, I really feel so fortunate that my path has taken me down a road where I get to have these post-college years being single. I know one day I'll get married and that will happen at the right time, but for now I really do love the benefits that come along with just being me, instead of we.
When I look at all these married blogs sometimes I think, "Gosh, they look so happy. It seems like there's just none of that negative stuff that inevitably comes along with a relationship. I'm not naive enough to believe any marriage is without frustration, but I also know you marry your best friend, and usually (90% of the time? 75%? 98%?) things are great. Marriage is "so fun." (The most common response I get when asking a friend how married life is.)
But do you fight? I don't even necessarily mean yelling. But do you have those long conversations when you're both so frustrated, sometimes to the point of tears, because someone gets their feelings hurt, or someone misunderstood something, or someone's taking out their frustration from work on the other? What I'm not talking about here, is little short, curt responses that are said and done in 2 seconds, that does nothing but make the environment a little tense.
I just don't get what is "normal" and to be expected, and at what point do you say enough and move on? I do find myself looking at peoples' marriages on their blogs and think, "How is it possible to be THAT happy all the time?" Realistically I know it's not bliss 24/7, but sometimes it looks like it is and I just feel so confused. I can't even imagine my siblings arguing with their spouses.
I know no one can answer what is right for me. But can someone please just tell me either "Yes, we get extremely frustrated with each other and hash it out over long tense conversations" or "No, we really just get along great almost all the time. There's never any drama or tears." (And don't feel like if you do comment, it will change my route in a relationship. I'm not at any decision making points, I've just sort of wondered this for a while.)
For the most part, I'm not really one of those girls who's constantly fighting with her boyfriends. I think it's probably pretty obvious to roommates or my close coworkers when things are rough in a relationship because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I've never been the girl crying at school or work because my boyfriend and I are mad at each other. And I've learned enough that I don't really "fight" (implying yelling, saying things I don't really mean, etc.....obviously I'm not always in 100% control, but I've gotten a lot better at trying to communicate my feelings in a calm, rational way.)
But have there been late night discussions where I (and usually the boyfriend at the time) get to the point where we hit a wall, and tear up, and just don't know what to do to fix it? Yes. (Never a good idea because what good can come when you're tired? But still.....it happens.)
I realize I'm being very open here, which makes me feel somewhat vulnerable, but honestly sometimes I just don't care. This is my blog, and if I feel like pouring out my feelings in it I'm going to. Maybe later I'll regret it and go back and erase it, but for now I'm sort of just letting the thoughts run through my head and out from my fingertips.
If nothing else, I only ask that you please not make assumptions. I've basically described past relationships in a few paragraphs, and only written the ugliest parts. Please don't assume I'm in, or have been in, these hideous relationships where we do nothing but fight. Pretty much every relationship I've been in has brought me so much joy. I've found best friends in these boyfriends, who've made me so happy and so much of a better person.
Thoughts? I'm sorry if this is a lot of rambling, and doesn't make sense. It's been sort of a heavy day.
PS Please know, I'm not at all, in any way, shape, or form, asking you to divulge anything you feel is too personal. Just some insight and wisdom from you "we"s out there, on a strictly voluntary basis of course. Thanks.
5 comments:
no one is happy, perfect, get along great 100% the time. no one. i don't care if they say that they are. that just means that they are a liar. a big fat liar and can't admit it to themselves (which is very sad).
now, jason and i are lucky and do have a really great marriage. we get along really well and we just get each other. i love him and i love that we have each other. but have we gotten in an argument during our marriage? yes. of course we have.
in a marriage you are learning and growing together and that is the key. you aren't expected to be perfect and have all of the answers all of the time. and jason and i knew each other really well when we got married since we dated for over a year before we even got engaged. i think it must be even more difficult for people who get married quickly and are adjusting to marriage and getting to know the person.
chalk a lot (virtually all) of the happiness to the facade of blogosphere.
I think everyone fights. I hope it's not just me! :) I mean we get along most of the time, but we do have big old nasty fights. But you learn and grow, and hopefully next time the fight is about something else. I guess I always assumed you just didn't hear about it because it's kind of a personal thing. But I sometimes wonder too because blogland is a happy place huh? I think we should all do one not so happy post every once in a while...don't you?
So I haven't ever commented so I probably qualify as a stalker. Your sister was my visiting tecahing companion back when we were in C1. I wanted to answer your question about fighting in relationships. I have been married 7 years now. Yes we have had a few arguments and in the beginning even a blow out yelling match. I am very blessed by marrying someone who doesn't yell and hass a lot of patience and boy was it tried the first year. At no point were we ever angry enough to leave each other but all my previous relationships had been very controlling and unhealthy so having someone love me for all my faults and not trying to control me in some way was a hard adjustment. Weird huh-but it was hard for me to embrace the deep eternal love that can come in a marriage. He took a huge risk by marrying me at 18 and over time I mellowed drastically and we learned to communicate in a healthy way. We still do have disagreements but they are civil and we try very hard not to raise our voices. I have taught myself to communicate and not bottle my thoughts, fears or frustrations.
So does it happen yes and in some relationships it takes time to understand eachother and there are spectacular agrguments but I don't think it is unhealthy-as long as you strive to learn to communicate better and notice your own faults.
Yeah, love the blogosphere and all, but it's not reality. It's NOT la de da 100% of the time. What percentage of the time is happy? Well that depends on how much you work at it. Yes, marriage is work. The "fun" part that people are talking about doesn't come easy. But when it's there, it's very gratifying.
Cameron and I fight, of course. But we also try to solve it soon. Most things fizzle and usually started with miscommunication. Some things are ongoing arguments (ahem, inlaws?)
The majority of the time we are very happy though. Becoming friends before marriage makes things a lot easier after the honeymoon phase ends. It's also really important to have a sense of humor and not take things seriously, but you're already good in that department. :)
I think it's great you have had time to be single and "find yourself" before you make a huge decision. I miss the single days for sure. I also think it's great you are asking yourself these hard questions. A lot of people get caught up in the romance of it all and ignore the heavy stuff.
Whatever happens, I know you'll be happy because you're a strong woman and would never marry a guy that didn't make you the happiest person on earth.
p.s. i just noticed your celebrity sighting list. I am SO jealous. I've seen like 2 or 3. I need to catch up.
First of all "we" love you and It makes me so sad to hear you are sad!! Even for one stressed out day.
All I have to say is, blogs are like the eternal Christmas card....life is perfect, our kids are geniuses and all our dreams have come true... We all have our good days and bad days- its how we deal with them that makes the difference.
And I for one am still learning how to deal.
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