Phobia

noun: a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it.

It happened.  I saw what I think was my first spider since I've been living in Manhattan.  (Seriously, we don't have them here.  Cockroaches, on the other hand, are a different story.)  Anyone who knows me well knows I freak out when I see spiders, mostly if they take me by surprise.  My saint of a dad killed so many spiders for me growing up.  You might think this enabled my fear, but I can honestly tell you I have tried to kill them.  I could tell you stories, one that includes a 30 minute battle with one that started downstairs, and finally ended in my parents' bedroom with a dead spider on the bottom of my mom's shoe, with a note on the table giving her the fyi.

I can't even tell you how many times people have seen me freak out at the sight of a spider and have given me the ridiculous roll of the eyes, and obnoxious, "It's a spider."  It's like they think they can talk me out of the fear.  It's psychological people.  I understand you don't understand it, but I also don't appreciate the intolerance.

Today at work there was a spider coming down it's web right behind my chair.  When I saw it I immediately hopped out of my chair.  My boss was standing right there and when I told him what freaked me out he saw it, and then grabbed the string.  I stood there watching the whole thing, with my hand on my chest, and for the first time during an episode like this I was able to really take notice of what I was feeling.  I could feel my heart pounding so hard, and fast.  I suddenly felt my face getting so hot, realized how heavily I was breathing, and noticed my palms (and pits, sorry) totally sweaty.

Worried he might not understand that this wasn't just a little "ew, those are gross" situation, I kept backing away from him.  I didn't want him getting any crazy thoughts like he should chase me with it because it'd be "funny."  He tried to talk rationality to me but I could hardly respond because I could fear the tears welling up.  Seriously??  I know how ridiculous this sounds.  And I have really, really tried to get over it.  I hate the way I feel completely powerless.  Really, I hate it.

The sad news is, the spider got away, so it's probably building its nest in my chair.  Or maybe it crawled in my bag and I brought it home with me.  Awesome.

What are your irrational fears?