Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I'm feeling...

1. Not able to rest, relax, or be still:
2. Not satisfied to be at rest or in peace; averse to repose or quiet; eager for change:

I can't shake it.  The need for change.  (What?!)  I know.  I'm the one who's always fought off change.  I like things the way they are.  If it's not broken why fix it?  But maybe it is broken.  I don't really know.  And I'm just feeling, well, restless.  I can't think of a better word.
Never in my life have I felt this way.  I would imagine this is because before New York my whole life was governed by the time table of school.  Whether it was big or little changes, they were inevitable.  And after I moved back to California?  I was working towards moving to New York.
Clearly I've been in love with life since coming to the big apple, but lately I just can't shake the feeling that I need a change.  Not necessarily a move per se, just something.  But what?
I've been plagued with these feelings for, oh, about three months now, maybe.  I did get a little distracted by the holidays (even if I was particularly scroog-ish this year) but now that I'm settled back in, forced back to a routine, it's hanging over me again, like an itchy wool cloak that somehow needs to be adjusted, or just removed all together.  It's annoying.
Maybe it's just the winter blues?  I don't know.  Maybe not.  Maybe my life is supposed to go in a new direction.  Maybe there is something out there, waiting for me to steer my life towards it.  But, is there?  And if so, where is it?  What is it?  What steps must I take to find it?

Sigh.

I'm also feeling a dire urge to meet a whole bunch of new people.  A whole new scene of interesting, stimulating, people with whom I just get along smashingly.  Okay, I'll be honest, when I say new people, I mean new guys.  I want new new new guys to meet.  I was sort of stoked when I found out the singles wards were doing a speed dating night.  As lame as that makes me sound, I sort of just thought it would be fun, if for nothing else a few laughs and awkward stories.  I've never done speed dating before and thought, why not?  I convinced a friend to agree to go, and said we'd go into it expecting to meet some new people, and laugh on our way home about the dumb small talk we'd had.  And if a date came out of it?  Bonus.  Then this morning I realized it's the same weekend my (very married) bff Shantay is coming into town.  Out of desperation I then texted a good guy friend asking to be set up.
I actually really hate, no loathe small talk and the whole "getting to know you" conversations that always go the same way.  It's like endless job interviews where you're selling yourself.  But still, I'm feeling the need.  
I've sort of been distracting myself with trying to plan vacations (Lake Placid over President's weekend!  A tropical getaway in March!  A looming two week vacation to figure out!)  Some days this excites me, but other days it overwhelms me.  I'm left thinking, will I have the money for this?  Who will come with me?  I've already accepted (and am looking forward to) the fact that one, or more, of these vacations will be solo, but I don't want that to be the case every time.  
Oh yeah, and that two week vacation I mentioned?  I found out last week that two of my vacation weeks have to be taken all at once.  It's called core leave, and up until this point, as an assistant I didn't have to take a core.  Last year I found out towards the end of the year I technically had to take a core, for five days.  No sweat, I was leaving for Thanksgiving for a week.  But two weeks?  What the heck am I going to do for two weeks?  And better yet, who else has two weeks off they want to spend with me?  Yes, yes, I could go to California, or make my core leave overlap my Christmas break, but I want to do something.  I don't want to waste this opportunity sitting around my parents' house, or sitting around New York.  Yes, those are great things to do, however I can do them any time.  I want to take advantage of this daunting two weeks I'll have off.  And like I mentioned, I can make it overlap with a Christmas break so that I don't have to use other days off for that, but for some reason it just seems like that time isn't the best time to be going on vacation.  Too many other things going on.
Part of me wants to take a multi-country trip to Europe.  Part of me wants to take a cross country road trip.  Part of me wants to go somewhere super far, like somewhere in Asia, or Australia, while I have the spare days for flying (and recovering from jet lag.)
But figuring out vacations is really not the biggest worry on my plate.  It's something I have to figure out, but also something I get to dream about.  It's a task, and also a distraction.
Meanwhile, what about everything else?  What about my life?  What about the other 48 weeks out of the year?  I've looked into different things (volunteering, taking a class, getting a second job) but the motivation to do those things lasts about a week.
Where is my writing in the sky?  Where's my fairy godmother?  Where's my Jiminy Cricket?  I asked for a life coach this year for Christmas but Santa's elves didn't really have the means.  Maybe I should start looking for a shrink.
Oh yeah, and my hair seems to have grown three inches overnight.  All of a sudden I'm sort of hating it.  I feel like chopping it off.  I've never really had short hair, and didn't realize how frequently it has to be cut.  When my hair was long I cut it, like, twice a year.  Seriously.  It hasn't even been two months and now I'm like, what am I going to do?
And some days I'm feeling skinnier, and other days I'm feeling fat.  And I have no clothes.
I swear I'm not an unhappy person.  Just restless.  Is this my quarter-life crisis?

8 comments:

Trish said...

Come visit me!!! Actually, I am probably the most boring person I know. Scott and I talk about doing all these really great things, but I'm kind of a homebody (yup, the bookworm type) and he doesn't really have the drive to make it happen. Blah blah blah. We do take some really fabulous trips, but his vacation sucks so they are few and far between.

For me, it seems like there is never enough time for everything. I wish I could see my friends more often, but then I'd have to give up something. I wish I could have more time to work out, to cook, to read, to volunteer, to [fill in blank here]. Work sucks. Why can't we just be freakin' rich so we don't have to worry about work? That would give me an extra 10 waking hours a day!!

Short hair is an addiction. :) I'm actually thinking about growing mine longer, but I'm finding gray hairs!!! WTH!

Sorry for the longest comment in the entire world...

nerak said...

Honey, I know how you feel and your post made me giggle and empathize at the same time. I feel like that ALL the time. When it rains, it pours, and some days it just doesn't seem like anything works right? If you find Jiminy Cricket, tell him to head my way next. :)

And if you ever need to vent, I love a good life planning/life overhaul chat, even when it can't happen over Chipotle on 42nd btwn 5th and 6th!

P.s. I vote for somewhere super far. When else are you going to do it?

Maria said...

Tell me what you think about the shrink - honestly, it has crossed my mind. HA!

michellekae said...

Come to Denver! Mike and Aujelle are here too. There really is a lot to do here. Cut your hair again. Paint your room a different color. I get the winter blues too. It has been close to the 70's here and I am happy as a peanut here. It has been great. I would love to come visit you too...

Kate McNeil said...

Oh my goodness, you're not alone.

Traveling always clears my mind of this crap and when I come back I have a whole new perspective on life. I think you should definitely do the Europe thing.

Seriously though, I've had so many days like this where EVERYTHING is bothering me.

Let me know if you want to meet up again and vent!

Janie's World said...

Welcome to being an adult. You have to make your own structure(usually work takes care of this), fill your nights and make your own fun. Don't be afraid of traveling through Europe on your own. You will meet people along the way that are doing the same thing. Maybe post a bulletin at church that you are looking to travel and would like someone to go with you and see what happens. As far as being restless with your life, maybe a shrink (maybe someone from church, if funds are tight), is not a bad idea! Maybe they will teach you how to be fullfilled with the life you have.
You are a positive, energetic person who bestows love on all her friends and family. Be content and enjoy today. Don't worry about the past or the future. God is in Control.

Jaclyn said...

Hello, I moved like ten times in 2008! I know exactly what you mean. It is difficult to find joy in the everyday routine of life.

I saw an email for the speed dating thing tonight and thought it looked really fun! Maybe I'll do it ;)

One of my friends went on a surfing vacation in Costa Rica where they teach you how to surf and you get to meet a lot of people that are all doing the same thing.

I personally am really excited about Lake Placid over President's Day weekend. But that's mostly just because I can't wait to see you and Maria and get a massage and go bobsledding!

You're the best!

chiggidy said...

Rae - totally understand! Feelin' your pain....

I'll escape any time with you!

PS. Lake Placid? Can I invite myself? That'd be so much fun!