I'm feeling...

1. Not able to rest, relax, or be still:

2. Not satisfied to be at rest or in peace; averse to repose or quiet; eager for change:

I can't shake it.  The need for change.  (What?!)  I know.  I'm the one who's always fought off change.  I like things the way they are.  If it's not broken why fix it?  But maybe it is broken.  I don't really know.  And I'm just feeling, well, restless.  I can't think of a better word.

Never in my life have I felt this way.  I would imagine this is because before New York my whole life was governed by the time table of school.  Whether it was big or little changes, they were inevitable.  And after I moved back to California?  I was working towards moving to New York.

Clearly I've been in love with life since coming to the big apple, but lately I just can't shake the feeling that I need a change.  Not necessarily a move per se, just something.  But what?

I've been plagued with these feelings for, oh, about three months now, maybe.  I did get a little distracted by the holidays (even if I was particularly scroog-ish this year) but now that I'm settled back in, forced back to a routine, it's hanging over me again, like an itchy wool cloak that somehow needs to be adjusted, or just removed all together.  It's annoying.

Maybe it's just the winter blues?  I don't know.  Maybe not.  Maybe my life is supposed to go in a new direction.  Maybe there is something out there, waiting for me to steer my life towards it.  But, is there?  And if so, where is it?  What is it?  What steps must I take to find it?

Sigh.

I'm also feeling a dire urge to meet a whole bunch of new people.  A whole new scene of interesting, stimulating, people with whom I just get along smashingly.  Okay, I'll be honest, when I say new people, I mean new guys.  I want new new new guys to meet.  I was sort of stoked when I found out the singles wards were doing a speed dating night.  As lame as that makes me sound, I sort of just thought it would be fun, if for nothing else a few laughs and awkward stories.  I've never done speed dating before and thought, why not?  I convinced a friend to agree to go, and said we'd go into it expecting to meet some new people, and laugh on our way home about the dumb small talk we'd had.  And if a date came out of it?  Bonus.  Then this morning I realized it's the same weekend my (very married) bff Shantay is coming into town.  Out of desperation I then texted a good guy friend asking to be set up.

I actually really hate, no loathe small talk and the whole "getting to know you" conversations that always go the same way.  It's like endless job interviews where you're selling yourself.  But still, I'm feeling the need.  

I've sort of been distracting myself with trying to plan vacations (Lake Placid over President's weekend!  A tropical getaway in March!  A looming two week vacation to figure out!)  Some days this excites me, but other days it overwhelms me.  I'm left thinking, will I have the money for this?  Who will come with me?  I've already accepted (and am looking forward to) the fact that one, or more, of these vacations will be solo, but I don't want that to be the case every time.  

Oh yeah, and that two week vacation I mentioned?  I found out last week that two of my vacation weeks have to be taken all at once.  It's called core leave, and up until this point, as an assistant I didn't have to take a core.  Last year I found out towards the end of the year I technically had to take a core, for five days.  No sweat, I was leaving for Thanksgiving for a week.  But two weeks?  What the heck am I going to do for two weeks?  And better yet, who else has two weeks off they want to spend with me?  Yes, yes, I could go to California, or make my core leave overlap my Christmas break, but I want to do something.  I don't want to waste this opportunity sitting around my parents' house, or sitting around New York.  Yes, those are great things to do, however I can do them any time.  I want to take advantage of this daunting two weeks I'll have off.  And like I mentioned, I can make it overlap with a Christmas break so that I don't have to use other days off for that, but for some reason it just seems like that time isn't the best time to be going on vacation.  Too many other things going on.

Part of me wants to take a multi-country trip to Europe.  Part of me wants to take a cross country road trip.  Part of me wants to go somewhere super far, like somewhere in Asia, or Australia, while I have the spare days for flying (and recovering from jet lag.)

But figuring out vacations is really not the biggest worry on my plate.  It's something I have to figure out, but also something I get to dream about.  It's a task, and also a distraction.

Meanwhile, what about everything else?  What about my life?  What about the other 48 weeks out of the year?  I've looked into different things (volunteering, taking a class, getting a second job) but the motivation to do those things lasts about a week.

Where is my writing in the sky?  Where's my fairy godmother?  Where's my Jiminy Cricket?  I asked for a life coach this year for Christmas but Santa's elves didn't really have the means.  Maybe I should start looking for a shrink.

Oh yeah, and my hair seems to have grown three inches overnight.  All of a sudden I'm sort of hating it.  I feel like chopping it off.  I've never really had short hair, and didn't realize how frequently it has to be cut.  When my hair was long I cut it, like, twice a year.  Seriously.  It hasn't even been two months and now I'm like, what am I going to do?

And some days I'm feeling skinnier, and other days I'm feeling fat.  And I have no clothes.

I swear I'm not an unhappy person.  Just restless.  Is this my quarter-life crisis?