Leaves, leaves, leaves

Happy Friday! It's been a tough work week. So looking forward to this weekend and only working Monday of next week. Hurray!

Soundtrack of my life.

I've been wanting to do a post like this for months but just got too lazy. Sarah posted one like it (but was able to trim her songs down to ten) and it inspired me. It's so strange how puting your iPod on shuffle you can hear a song that just takes you back to such good, or hard times. I remember Katie once mentioning before she and Cam take a vacation they purchase a new album and listen to it a ton on their trip. That album then forever takes them back to that trip. Such a great idea.
I put my iPhone on shuffle and the below is what came up.

One Two Step – Ciara feat Missy Elliot
This song will forever take me back to the many dance parties that happened in the three building at the Ridge. It makes me think of Toni, and especially Becky doing her choreographed solo to the Missy Elliot part. That girl can shake it.

Cemeteries of London – Coldplay
This whole album takes me back to a cold New York winter. This came out around the time Curtis moved to Kansas City and I was holding on to a straining relationship that was just beginning to be really unhealthy. It’s sort of fitting it was a long, cold, dark winter because I was very much in that place. There were some serious lows.

I Can’t Stay – Killers
I hear this song and immediately feel like I’m walking the hot pavement of 40th Street from 6th Ave to 5th, to the office in the morning. It’s a humid New York summer and I just want to salsa to this song, the whole way to work.

Why Do I Keep Counting? – Killers
I’m driving my little Civic from Murrieta through the pitch black dark where there’s no lights anywhere on my way back to my parents after visiting Nathan, who I was dating before moving to New York. I would scream this song (and the whole album, really) at the top of my lungs.

You’re Not Sorry – Taylor Swift
Hands down the lowest point of my life, when things were the absolute worst with Curtis. This song, word for word, summed up my thoughts perfectly. Ugh. It was brutal. After reading this I can't help, "Why did you let this go on so long?" It's incredible how much I was willing to torture myself. Thankfully I learned. A lot. (And I’m starting to think I should remove all the sad songs that have ties to exes from my iPhone.)

Swell Charger – Hey Stroker
High school. No specific memory, but hearing this just makes me feel young, carefree, and like I’m headed to the beach.

Forever – Chris Brown
Oh gosh. I can distinctly remember dancing to this song with Britt at a party at Curtis’s old apartment (he didn’t live there anymore at the time) and she was crushing on someone who will remain nameless and I remember he came over to dance with us and I just wanted them to fall in love so badly, as he’s like a younger brother to me. However now I’m so happy she’s marrying Logan.

Such Great Heights – Iron and Wine
M & Ms. Kaleidescope. Commerical. Oh man, Toni Evans I hope you’re reading this. This song used to come on my favorite mix of Danny’s. My last semester of college a few of my girlfriends and I spent so many nights at our friend Danny’s playing cards from about midnight to 4am or sometimes later. Danny had a mix on his iPod that I absolutely loved and when this song would come on Toni and I would always say those three words because this song was on an M&M commercial. Danny lived in married housing because there were no rules there, and he wasn’t going to school at the time so he didn’t have to live in approved housing. He always had tons of Skittles and Dr. Pepper. Man, good times at Danny’s. He was like 27 and we always thought he was just a big kid who would never grow up. Now he’s expecting a baby girl with his wife.

Love Song – Sara Bareilles
I played this song on repeat like crazy around Christmas/New Years 2007. Curtis and I were in the honeymoon stage. We’d only been dating a few weeks when we both went home for 10 days for Christmas and it was like torture. I was completely twitterpated.

God Bless the Broken Road – Rascal Flatts
I love this song but it also has an annoying connotation because it came out when I was in college and so many kids were getting married and thinking this was their song. As if 21 year old BYU-Idaho students had had such long and broken roads to finding their ECs.

Misery – Maroon 5
Flying down the 15, rushing to see Dave in California. I couldn’t get there fast enough. (Foreshadowing)

Blow – Ke$ha
This might be the anthem of summer 2011. I traveled a lot, especially to Utah, and had a LOT of fun with friends. The first time I heard this song was in May, the last time I drove up to the Berkshires. Courtnie, Libby, and Ashley were in my car and I fell in love immediately. We had a dance party the whole way and I knew I had to download this song immediately.

Flashing Lights – Kanye West feat. Dwele
I absolutely love this song. I feel like just hearing this song immediately makes you cooler. I’ve loved this song for years but one distinct memory I have tied to this song is when I was in Rio driving to Buzios. The sun was shining, we were driving along the sparkling water, the windows were down, and this song was blaring. It was such a good day.

A Little Bit Stronger – Leighton Meester from the Country Strong album
This song (and whole album) take me back to all the early mornings during unemployment. I came back from Paris and had a really hard time adjusting back to New York time. I’d wake up around 5am every day and by 8 was ready to go do something, but had no job to go to. It was nice to live only a block away from a movie theater (especially since it was January.) I saw so many movies. When the nominations for Academy Awards came out I’d already seen 9 of the 10 best films nominated for best picture. Country Strong was a movie I really loved and I loved the soundtrack even more and played it over and over again. Dave was flying out a lot at this point so this album also has strong ties to him.

Any Other Name – Thomas Newman
This song is on the American Beauty soundtrack but I just fell in love with it in the last year. I guess maybe it’s sort of weird, but the music I listen to during most of my runs is melancholy, or thoughtful. I have my best runs when I’m down about something, or just have something really heavy on my mind so I guess that makes sense. This song is absolutely perfect for a thoughtful run around the reservoir at twilight. It almost makes me cry to think about. Those runs are just so therapeutic. I think so much, meanwhile looking around at the most gorgeous scenery, falling completely in love with my city all over again. I frequently think about what it will be like to leave the city someday and how heartbroken I’ll be when that day comes. It’s a really strange mixture of feelings of sadness and gratitude, and somehow in the end my head is clear.

New York, New York – Frank Sinatra
Oh wow. What doesn’t this make me think of? When I was visiting the city to decide if I wanted to move here I’d made a New York mix and of course this song was number one. I made sure it was playing when my cab drove into the city and it was magical. This will always make me think of Yankees games where they play it (whether we win or lose) and inspire me to run the New York City marathon (one day!) because they play it after the the gun fires, starting the race.

Swallowed in the Sea – Coldplay
Oh Kevin. I was so in puppy-love. Kevin took me to a Coldplay concert in 2005 and really kick started my love of Coldplay. A little part of Coldplay (I guess just the earlier albums) will always be tied to him. (PS Is it awkward that every guy I’ve mentioned, except one, is married now? Sorry to the wives if you’re reading this…)

Closer to Love – Matt Kearney
This song is me, riding my pink cruiser, up and down the West Side Highway along the Hudson River, so many days after work, summer 2009. Pure bliss.

Last Request – Paolo Nutini
This song was playing on repeat in my room the (first) time Curtis and I broke up. It was the least messy break up (funny how if you break up over and over again it just gets worse and worse.) The lyrics were perfect. I just wanted one more night.

My Milkshake – Kelis
This was my ringtone in college and I’m not even embarrassed to admit it.

Halo - Beyonce
This is a really great song. But even greater is a memory so many of my New York friends have tied to it. There’s a game we call iPod karaoke, that you can only play with really good friends, and everyone’s gotta be on board. Someone picks a song they know really well, and sits (or stands) in the middle of the group. The put the song on their iPod and crank up the music as loud as they can, and are also blindfolded at the same time, then sing along (and hopefully bust out some sweet dance moves.) It. Is. Awesome. And obviously not for the insecure. We haven’t played it in a couple years and I think we’re all kind of over it, but the times we played in the past were great. There’s always a couple people who bust out a song totally shocking. Like this one, for example, which was sung by our great friend Jeff. He pulled up a stool and sang his heart out. He knew every word and hit some serious high notes. One of my favorite moments was when I leaned over to his roommate and said, “Something tells me this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this” and he just laughed. Oh Jeffy, thank you for being such a good sport.

4 Minutes – Madonna feat Justin Timberlake
Man, I am so glad in every phase of life I always have friends who love to dance. I think summer 2008 was the summer for dance parties. There were a ton of parties that year and this song was one of the musts. When I hear this I’m immediately taken back to 7A in 71 Broadway, having a dance party, either with a completely packed apartment, or just my roommates.

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen – Manheim Steamroller
Did anyone else grow up on Manheim Steamroller every December? This album makes the spirit of Christmas for a child come flooding back. I can feel the excitement all over again. It’s crazy how as adults we’re always saying, “I can’t believe Christmas is only xx days away,” but as kids it’s like torture waiting for the countdown.

Little Lion Man – Mumford & Sons
I was sitting in a bar on a date this summer and this song came on. I haven’t ever heard Mumford anywhere like that and got super excited. Here’s a funny story that maybe isn’t so funny if you’re my mom (sorry, if you’re reading this.) I’d met an older gent we’ll call Don Quixote earlier in the summer and we hit it off. He’d asked me for my number the first time we met and I didn’t really ever expect to hear from him. But I did. I didn’t think anything of it and was sort of oblivious to the fact that he was interested, because of the age difference. He’d text me pretty regularly and it was fun and flattering. I’d been with a friend when we met, and he’d been with a colleague. We happened to meet on a Tuesday at my favorite Yankee bar, and apparently he and his colleague went there every Tuesday. For the next few weeks after we met he’d always ask me on Tuesdays to swing by and the four of us always had a great time with tons of laughs. I would go when I could, but it was usually just for an hour or so because I always had something else going on.
One particular Tuesday I met up for about 30 minutes and then left because my mom, aunts, and grandma were in town and we were having dinner. He continued to text me while I was out, giving me a hard time for always being too busy. I finally agreed to meet him after dinner with my family.
While I was at Shake Shack with my family (the original, outdoor Shake Shack) we had one of those New York summer downpours that comes out of nowhere that leaves you completely soaked head to foot. I ended up going back to their hotel to chat for a while, and then used their ladies’ room to freshen up my makeup and blowdry my hair. My mom was worried about me going home “so late” (10pm.) She kept asking me if I was really going home and I kept smiling and saying of course, thinking it was obvious I wasn’t primping for the subway ride. My aunt Vicki just laughed and said, “Of course she’s not going home. She’s young and single. She’s going out and she should!” I just smiled.
I met up with Don Quixote and we were sitting in this bar chatting and flirting away and I found myself having a really really good time. We’d been talking about what kind of music we liked when this song came on and I asked if he knew who it was. He said without hesitation, “Mumford & Sons.” I was really impressed because I wouldn’t necessarily expect a guy in his 20s to know who it was, let alone someone who’s 50. There. I said it. Judge away but it was one of the most fun dates I’ve had in years, and one of the hottest New York makeouts after outside of my building. (Again, sorry Mom.)

First Cut is the Deepest – Sheryl Crow
Fall 2003. The girls in 303 and 304 were absolutely obsessed with The Very Best of Sheryl Crow, mostly this song. We’d have it on repeat in the apartment or the car and sing at the top of our lungs. Over and over and over again. I miss those girls and those days of 303 ½.

Apologies – Grace Potter & The Nocturnals
Last winter I was sitting on the Eurostar at the station outside London. I was waiting for the train to depart to take me to Paris. My very first trip to Paris and my very first solo trip. At the exact moment the train pulled away the beginning piano keys played into my ears and it was this moment. I wish I could put it into words but it’s a moment I’ll never forget. It was like this moment of reason where I felt like a bona fide, independent, grown up. I was taking a trip to a foreign country all by myself. I was going and I didn't know a soul on the whole continent. In less than a week I’d come home to my own apartment for which I'd just signed the lease four months earlier, and I’d face a life of unemployment and bills that don’t stop and deal with it by myself. It sounds a little sad, and I actually did tear up, but it wasn’t a sad moment. It was like a step into a new phase of adulthood, taking a new step by myself, and also dealing with a new problem that most people face in adulthood.

Fall in New York

I snapped this photo yesterday on my walk through the park to work. I have to admit, my Instagram app enhanced the colors a bit, however, an untouched photo from my phone didn't do nearly the justice.

I'm sure I'm so obnoxious always talking about the leaves and how much I'm dying over them, or really anything in this city that I talk about all the time. Although, I read over and over on blogs and facebook about how my friends are so lucky for their husbands, and so obsessed with their kids, so I guess I'll feel free to continue to talk about what I'm blessed with and can't get enough of. :)

The twenty or so minutes I spend in the morning walking through the park is potentially the best part of my day. Since it's the morning my mind is clear. Now that we've turned the clocks back the sun is so bright and shiny, and there's a million dogs out since it's off leash hours. They're all running around, so happy and socializing with each other. Take all that and add in the gorgeous surroundings, and my quick pace getting the endorphins pumping, and it just makes me really really happy.

Yesterday was the first day the leaves were really changing and just popping. I walked to work in awe and kept looking around, feeling like the moment was unreal. Leaves were slowly falling around me, like I was in a movie. I kept thanking my Heavenly Father for giving me such beautiful surroundings, and the good health to be able to experience it all. As I was walking and having these thoughts I became so overwhelmed with the knowledge that there truly is a loving God. I couldn't help but think of a friend of mine who's an atheist. We've had a lot of friendly conversations about it because I just can't wrap my mind around his beliefs. He's done a lot of research and studying and is solid in his beliefs, which I respect. However, I don't believe there is a thing in the world that could change what I know to be absolutely true, that there is a God, and He loves us so much. There is not a thing I know to be more true and I can't imagine a writing in the sky or witnessing some miracle could make me know any more than I do now that He does exist.

My Halloween

One of many decked out brownstones on my street. Photos don't do justice. I think my block and the one in between me and Central Park are like those blocks with the amazing Christmas lights everyone goes to see, but for Halloween. Almost every brownstone is decked out like crazy. So fun.

I have to admit, when it comes to Halloween I'm sorta like, "eh." Every year it seems like it's just one more thing to add to the to-do list. Figuring out a costume is always a headache. As a single person it's assumed I'll go to a party. This means I'll be in a small apartment packed with a million people, so it's going to be really really hot. My first year I actually went to the annual regional Mormon singles Halloween dance that used to be where all the cool kids went dressed as a cat in a suit that was basically like a wetsuit and thought I was going to sweat to death. So you can either freeze your hiney off outside, or be uncomfortably hot all night. Then there's the footwear, it seems like most costumes require heels and I'm just not one of those girls that can stand around in heels all night. And then deciding on a costume. I'm not one to dress slutty for Halloween, nor am I creative enough to put together a cute costume myself. Almost everything you can buy is too skimpy for me. Not to mention, there is always the little bit of pressure to not look stupid... So needless to say, it usually just feels like a headache and I'd rather not deal with it.

Saturday came and I still didn't really have a costume figured out. Luckily, I was looking for something under my bed when I came across the outfit I'd worn for NYE in London when Karen and I dressed up as marionette puppets for the circus themed party. Score! I'd totally forgotten I'd planned on recycling it for this year's Halloween costume.

However, Saturday's weather was atrocious. Snow/rain/sleet/wind all day long. It was hideous. I finally made a decision I just wasn't going out. I had zero desire to schlep through the elements up to Harlem to the party where everyone would be, to stand around in a jam packed apartment and socialize (not really my thing, Halloween or not.)

I ended up over and Aimee and Jerry's for dinner and cards and had no regrets. I think one huge perk to marriage is no one judges you for being a home body. If you stay in on a weekend as a single person so many people think it's sad, lame, etc, but if you're married? No big deal. I'm looking forward to that day.

I finally left Aim and Jer's around midnight only to run into a former coworker outside their building. He'd been there at a party, and another of my former coworkers was on his way out with his wife, who I'm also friends with. They came out and we all chatted up a storm, so happy to randomly run into each other. They told me I was going downtown with them to the next party, no excuses. Being that it was midnight, I was five blocks from home, wasn't in a costume, and am generally not that spontaneous of a person I protested, but I must have been in a good mood because it didn't take much convincing.

I'm so glad I went. We ended up at one of those apartments that's ridiculously amazing. Everyone was really decked out in costumes so it was a little awkward that I wasn't, but it was one of those moments when I can choose to feel awkward, or choose to get over it and have fun. I chose the latter. The guy throwing the party had hired a doorman, bar tender, and dj. The dj was great and we danced the whole time. I have played 5th wheel before with this married couple at a wedding and they're so easy and fun to be around. There was another girl with our group as well, so I really was fifth wheeling it, but she was so great and friendly and I didn't feel like the loner without a date at all. We had a great time and I got home around 2:30am so all guilt of being an old lady and no fun was banished.

Yesterday we found out we could leave work early, as a lot of people were so they could trick-or-treat with their kids. I was thrilled at this unexpected news. I had no plans for the holiday but it's always nice to get out early. I go to kickboxing Monday nights but it's not until 7:30 and I didn't want to stick around midtown so I just went to the gym and then over to Aimee's. Jerry was working late so Aimee made us chili and we handed out candy to trick-or-treaters. I really haven't ever done this, as I've always either been trick-or-treating myself when I was young enough, or out doing something with friends when I was old enough. After last night I'm pretty sure from now on I'll be staying in to hand out candy. These little kids were so adorable! I wanted to squeeze every one.

And now here it is, November. How did that happen? This weekend I'm cheering on Em and other friends at the marathon, the following weekend throwing Britt's shower, the following weekend may have visitors in town, the following week my family comes for Thanksgiving, the following week I'm out of town for a long weekend, the following week may have visitors in town, and then it's basically two weeks to Christmas, and then it's Britt and Logan's wedding, and then it's New Year's! 2011 will be over before we know it!

PS Don't be surprised if Halloween 2012 you see me dressed up as a marionette puppet...

Exciting things coming up

My parents, Brad, Nadia, Madeline, and Spencer are coming to New York for Thanksgiving!

Jason, Elise, Hudson, and BABY (I'm guessing girl) are coming out the week before Thanksgiving! And baby will be here in April! Wahooooooooo!!!

Now if I could just get the rest to come out. :) At least I'll see them in December.

PS I stole all these photos from their own blogs. Thanks guys. :)

A question I'm frequently asked

"Do you ever miss having a car?" No, I don't. I took this photo one day last week on my walk to work. I've said it before but I have the world's best commute. I get to walk. Through Central Park. There honestly isn't a better way to get to work. I get to work happy every morning. Every day I'm reminded how thankful I am for my legs that let me walk and get the endorphins pumping, and my eyes that take in such beauty.
I think about how this is how I get to work, and how I used to sit, filled with rage, in a parking lot on the 405 every morning. No. I do not miss having a car. Not one bit.

Yes

I will continue with the story soon. How did two months fly by? Where is my life going? In all honesty, aside from being busy, I’ve been really intimidated to write this next section. I don’t think putting it in words will do justice to explain what happened and how difficult it was for me to process. And I realize when people write words like that, it’s because something actually legitimately tragic happened, verses what my situation was, which was hard, but not quite as dramatic as I’m making it sound here. I’ve struggled with finding the words that exactly explain my thoughts, and also protect the privacy of others. Additionally, I feel like unless you know me really well, and have known me for a large portion of my time in New York, you won’t understand why the next part of the story is as significant as it really is. I’ve had some people comment who I don’t know personally and I think, “This is a whole lot of leadup and they’re not going to get it.” I feel like there’s expectations that I’m not going to meet. Actually, I think it will be sorely disappointing because I’ve realized because I’ve written so openly and honestly about how I’ve felt, it’s sort of been a big lead up to what some might expect to be a big dramatic event. And it’s really not.

And then I think…I started writing this because I wanted to write it all a year ago but it was just too dang fresh and too much and I just didn’t have it in me and didn’t know how much I wanted to share with the www at the time. I finally felt comfortable enough to write it, and still felt the need to put all my thoughts and experiences down, so I did, for me. Obviously blogging is not one hundred percent for me because otherwise I’d be putting this all in a private journal. But this is mostly for me, and the comments make it a little more fun :) and also encourage me to write more frequently than I would in a private journal.

So….I apologize for seemingly quitting. I didn’t, I just didn’t know how to get it all out into words. And you know what? I don’t even know where the story is going. I was talking to one of my best friends who really pretty much knows all the details and she said, “I’m so interested to see where this is going to go.” And I said, “I am too!” And laughed, because there’s not exactly and end.

So. I guess we’ll see. I promise more soon.

I know what you mean Amy

Just a wee 23 year old at Coney Island May 2007

Moving to New York and trying to get a show - oh my (gosh), we were naive. But the great thing about taking big chances when you're younger is you have less to lose, and you don't know as much. So you take big swings.

-Amy Poehler

Do we look alike?

This photo with Mel and Felicia from my ten year high school reunion was posted on facebook this weekend.

My mom forwarded this picture from her ten year high school reunion to us last week. I guess it's hard to tell because the photo's kind of small, but Brad's response was, "Scary how much Rachel looks like you." I've been told this my whole life but I just can't see it. I see similarities, but I wouldn't say it's uncanny. I've finally started to see how similar my sister and I look, and when I was little I confused childhood pictures of my mom to be myself.
What do you think? In my opinion, the crazy part is my mom had recently had her fourth baby (me!) and is still looking smokin. (She is the foxy lady standing top right. If you click the photo it will get a little bigger.)

The week for celeb sightings I guess

Last night I saw Celine Dion walking out of the Ritz on Central Park South. It was a relatively small crowd waiting to see her, but the security was ridiculous, and understandably so. When she walked out everyone pretty much rushed her.

The crowd was, however, really really strange. Usually the kind of people waiting around for a celeb are girls, tourists, and gay. This crowd was 95% men, and the kind you'd expect to stand in line to meet a line backer for the Steelers or something. It was bazaar. And there was one guy who seemed like he was homeless or crazy or both, but he had his poster of Celine, waiting to get an autograph. He started talking to me and saying, "Take steak." I was like, "Ummm, what?" And he kept saying it and finally this other dude was like, "He wants to take you out for steak." Oh. One of the hotel staff saw this guy and was like, "What are you doing here??" And looked like he was ready to escort him away, like he's always there hounding celebs or Celine has a restraining order against him or something.

This other random dude missing teeth rolled up on a little girl's bike, wearing nothing but the tiniest jorts I've ever seen and a pair of sneakers, and a weird hat. I swear I thought I saw something peeking out of those jorts. It was so weird! I didn't have my phone on me so I couldn't even take pictures.

I saw Celine for a minute. She seemed nice despite the freaks crowding her. I booked it out of there. It was seriously weird ya'll...

Clearly I've joined Pinterest...

I once watched an episode of Oprah where they discussed the effects on girls hearing their mothers speak negatively about themselves. Obviously research like this is variable, but I thought there was really something to it. I mentally committed to myself that I will try my hardest to not criticize myself verbally (in general) and especially in front of my daughters.
Additionally, I once discussed something similar to this (years before I saw the show) with someone. We sort of came to the conclusion that the women who seemed to be genuinely content and happy in life, with good confidence, tended to have children who were that way as well. I know this is not the case with every family out there, but it seemed to be pretty accurate with everyone I thought about. And yes, I realize I don't know how happy or unhappy people actually are, but I think you can generally tell if a person feels good about themselves or not. Just gave me even more motivation to not only be happy for myself and my husband, but for my children as well. (When I have them someday.)

Well hello Greg Kinnear

For some reason blogger wouldn't let me upload my editing instagram version of this pic, so here I am in all my post - gym, new zit, nastiness. Greg was very sweet, handsome, and looked younger in person. New crush.

Something I have to tell all boyfriends

I think I'm the most ticklish person in the world. People have gotten mad at me for shreiking so loudly and kicking, yet they're they ones tickling me. Makes no sense. Curtis once tickled me to the point that I completely burst into hysterical sobs. He stopped and looked at me like I just grew a second head. It actually sort of surprised me as well. But freak......stop tickling me! I can't take it.

September 11, 2001

The Freedom Tower, September 11, 2011 around 2am

Today is a day marked in history. It started off at 8:30am when my mom called and said she had to tell me something. First she said, "Rebecca's okay." So I thought she'd been in a car accident. She then went on to tell me that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. I assumed Rebecca was on the flight but then she told me she wasn't. She then went on to tell me that there were all these terrorism acts going on. Four planes had been hijacked. All were American or United Airlines. One crashed into the *west building of the World Trade Center, one the east building, one in some woods in Pittsburgh, and one in the Pentagon in Washington D.C. It's horrible. One flight was from Boston and was headed to LAX and my mom thought if I heard I would be really worried, which is true. I'm so glad she called me. Rebecca had flown to Austin, Texas last night.

I called all my family to let them know I loved them and when I talked to her she was really upset because she was sure she'd know some of the crew. I was nervous for my family because on the radio they said they expected more things to happen. It makes me grateful I'm in Rexburg. Usually terrorists will hit big cities like New York, Chicago, LA; no one's heard of Rexburg, so I think I'm safe! I'm worried for my family. Also, my dad was on a plane at Orange County headed to Ohio, but thank goodness he hadn't left the gate when they heard and evacuated the plane. I wonder when Jason will find out? Rebecca was worried since he's on a mission and we can't call so hopefully he won't worry when he finds out.

When I was listening to the radio today they went live with someone in Jerusalem and I could hear them all chanting, "God is great." They were all celebrating. It makes me sick. They also went live with someone in New York and I could hear sirens and people screaming in the background. It was so eerie.

I've cried a few times today because it makes me sick to think my dad or my sister could have been on one of those flights. I can't imagine the terror they must have felt. I can't imagine if I was a mom and had little kids on the flight. I think I would pray for forgiveness and to die quickly after we crashed.

It was all over campus today. They talked about it at devotional, and we had a special ward prayer tonight and the Bishop spoke to us. I can't imagine how many people are affected because of this. Hundreds, maybe thousands of people were injured or killed, and to think about how many people would be devastated over one person. I can't imagine having someone from my family killed and then having to stay here in Rexburg, not able to get home to my family. Or what if my whole family had been killed? I don't know what I'd do.

It was awesome to hear all the missionaries in New York were accounted for and okay. Twenty one left from the MTC this morning, headed for New York, but landed in Denver, Colorado.

My English teacher's daughter lives two blocks from the World Trade Center. She was okay, but this morning her roommate left for an audition in the WTC, got down out of the elevator, and turned around and went back and said, "I don't think I'll go today." That's so amazing.

On the news they were comparing it to Pearl Harbor, but saying at least with that they knew who they were fighting. I guess some leader from Jerusalem made a threat against the US three weeks ago so he's a suspect. George W. Bush has every intention to "...hunt down and punish..." the terrorists. They said it's the worst attack of terrorism in the US history. And it's also the first time they closed down all air traffic in the US. Tomorrow is USA Pride Day, I'm wearing red, white, and blue.

It's a sad day.

*I clearly didn't have some of the details accurate, as the Twin Towers were the North and South, not east and west.

I can remember so clearly my mom calling and my roommate waking me up to tell me she was on the phone. I remember her telling me what had happened, but I was groggy, and naive in the ways of the world at the age of 18. I didn't realize the seriousness of what had happened and went back to sleep. After I woke up for the day I started listening to the radio (we didn't have tv in the dorm) and I realized this was a big deal. I called my mom back to ask her to tell me again what had happened. Looking back, I realize it still only sunk in so much. I should have noted in my journal entry above that Jason was allowed to call my mom from Mexico to find out my sister was indeed okay.

Even though I've lived in New York for almost five years, I will never understand what it was like to be here. I've talked to so many coworkers who were here on that day and have heard their stories. I wish I could wrap my head around it more, to really know what it was like.

Last night I found myself out in the city with a friend who was in from out of town and wanted to go out. We ended up in a bar in Times Square, filled with cops and firemen. Sometime shortly after midnight someone made a speech in the jam packed bar and then Lee Greenwood's Proud to be an American was played and everyone sang along and toasted to those who'd lost their lives trying to protect us. It was a powerful moment.

Sometime after 1am we headed down to the financial district, as my friend wanted to see if we could get close to the World Trade Center. There was a huge memorial service planned for the day so I didn't anticipate being able to get close, however, there was no issue at all. As usual it was pretty quiet in that neighborhood, but there were people at World Trade, there to pay respects and see what was to be seen, like us. I snapped the above photo of the Freedom Tower. I can't wait to see when it will be finished. Tomorrow the memorial opens to the public, so I'm looking forward to seeing that as well.

Today I am even more grateful to live in a land of freedom. I'm grateful there are so many willing to risk their lives for that freedom. I'm so thankful to feel so safe living in New York by myself as a single female. There are always so many police men out, protecting my safety.

So thankful I could be here in my favorite city in the world on this tenth anniversary of 9/11.

How is this possible?

This is the most cliche, but how is my squishy little babe...

already this grown up little preschooler? I can't handle it. I wanted to die when Nadia sent pictures of Madeline's first day yesterday. I feel like all my nieces and nephews are growing up so fast but this one especially. I swear she looks twelve. Make it stop. But don't. Because I love every little phase of her.


Thank goodness I have this little man to get my squishy babe fix.

Even better

I get to squeeze Mad and Spenc all weekend!

Enemy territory

Tomorrow night I'm going to Fenway for the first time ever. Despite my loyalties, as a baseball fan I am so excited, especially to be going with my favorite Sox fan. It's an akward feeling because they're playing the As, who I don't care about. Who do I root for? I'm afraid I'll get distracted and accidently start clapping along with the crowd for the Sox. It's hard to sit indifferently at a baseball game.

Britt & Log

Brittany and Logan, moments after he popped the question.

I could not be more thrilled two of my favorite New York friends are tying the knot this December. Congrats Britt and Log!!

I like to jokingly take credit for their love, since I invited them to this game:

and this very first weekend in the Berkshires:

but the truth is they didn't start dating until almost a year after the Berkshires. Regardless, so happy to call these two my friends and so happy for them to spend eternity together!

Earthquake!

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk when I thought I felt a little shaking. It took me a second to realize it wasn't my imagination. There was a little more and then I realized others were looking around wondering what it was. I stood up and could see the blinds shaking in an office. It felt like an earthquake but my immediate thought was, "No, this is New York." But it felt awfully similar to an earthquake...

Then one of our guys walked out on the phone and said, "That's a ****ing earthquake. They felt it in Jersey. We need to ****ing evacuate. They guy I was on the phone with in Jersey's building alarms were going off."

This is the point where people remained calm on the outside, but were clearly panicing on the inside. I had the thought to grab my phone but left my handbag behind. You really just don't think in these situations. I can't tell you how many times at my last job we had fire drills and had to leave the building, but I believe this is the first time it was for anything real.

As my colleagues and I walked the twenty six flights to the ground all I could think about was 9/11, and the people who were going down flight after flight after flight. I'd only gone about ten flights before my eyes started playing tricks on me and I was really losing my depth perception. I kept worrying I was going to trip down the stairs.

I also couldn't help but think about potential terrorist attacks. At the time I wasn't even thinking about the tenth anniversary of 9/11, but when you're in New York and something suspicious happens, the first thought you have is "terrorist."

We got outside and walked over to Central Park to get away from the buildings. Everyone was on the street, nervous because we still didn't know what was going on. I was able to make one call before I lost service, and then occasionally I'd get a text but couldn't send anything out. We finally heard the epicenter was in Virginia and it was a 5.8. I realized it wasn't that large on the scale, and have definitely felt stronger earthquakes and haven't been as nervous, but when you're in New York, and you're so high up, it's scary.

Nothing is sweeter

Hudson, 11 months

The thoughts of being a mom someday are intimidating to me. Really intimidating. But when I see the sweet faces of my nieces and nephews I think maybe someday I could do it.